What You Need to Know About Weaning
My goal was to breastfeed for a minimum of two years—this is the length of time recommended by the World Health Organization (WHO)—but ideally, I hoped Dakota would self-wean whenever she was ready.
I thought my plan was immaculate, but as you know, life is full of plot twists. In hindsight, I was expecting Dakota to feed less often when she started eating solids (spoiler alert: this didn’t happen). Eventually, I realized that she wouldn’t outgrow her boob addiction any time soon, unless I did something about it.
What started as an cosmic connection between us slowly transformed to an unequivocal nuisance by the time Dakota reached 15 months old. I couldn’t sit down without her pulling on my shirt. Every time she was in my arms, she wouldn’t hesitate to expose my boobs, often at the most inconvenient times (hello, stranger in aisle four, I hope I’m not offending you).
Sometimes she would stay latched on for 45 minutes out of boredom, even if there wasn’t any milk coming out! She also took one speedy 30 to 45-minute nap a day. There were days where I’d let her nap in a carrier because she’d stay asleep longer, usually two hours. As a working stay-at-home mom, I was quick to jump on any chance of quiet time that I could get.
Nursing seemed to be the solution to everything. Go back to sleep? Nurse. Feeling sad? Nurse. Happy? Nurse. Bored? Nurse. Hurt? Nurse. While this tactic was convenient at times, I didn’t want her to solely rely on my milk for comfort.
At 17 months, my sanity would’ve jumped off a cliff if it had legs (and it would’ve taken my nipples with it, too). I decided it was finally time to start the weaning process.
How to Night-Wean
My personal opinion is that night-weaning shouldn’t be considered until your child is at least 18 months old, although this is simply a recommended minimum starting guide. Every child reaches developmental stages at different times, so remember to respect and listen to your child’s individual needs.
Generally around 18 months old, toddlers have developed sufficient levels of comprehension skills to understand the changes that are enforced. They should be able to communicate with you about their feelings as negotiations are made, which makes night weaning a more gentle process.
My Experience
I was nursing anywhere from three to six times a night. We co-slept, so I’d offer my boob to help Dakota fall back asleep whenever she woke up (which was still frequent up until this point).
When we started weaning at night, I still nursed her at bedtime so she could fall asleep. She’d wake up a couple hours later and cry for more boobs. I’d try offering her some water as a substitute, but she’d refuse.
I’d let her cry in my arms, which is not the same approach as letting her cry-it-out (alone). The crying-in-arms method allowed her to positively release her emotions. There were times where she didn’t want me to touch her, so I’d lay next to her and try to offer support in the best way that I could.
Eventually, she’d cry herself to sleep, but she’d wake up again in an hour or so, only to repeat the entire process over again. This went on for four nights, then she learned to self-soothe and fall back asleep without any issues. She’s been sleeping through the night ever since!
Here are some additional tips:
Talk to your child and let them know what’s going on. They’re capable of understanding a lot more than you might think! Personally, I made a rule that Dakota could nurse when there was light outside (about 6am). If she’d ask for milk in the middle of the night, I would tell her, “milk in the morning”—sometimes simplifying sentences and using less words makes it easier for them to comprehend.
Let dad take over nighttime wake-up calls. This is a good option if your child sleeps in their own room, although this wasn’t the case for me. If you co-sleep, you can also try sleeping in a separate room. When your boob isn’t readily available, it gives your child a chance to find comfort with dad during night wakings.
Use the crying-in-arms approach. As previously mentioned, this is what I did to handle night tantrums (and daytime, too). You can learn more about this method here.
Use a manual pump (or hand-express) for engorgement alleviation. Only pump a small amount—just enough to find relief (my sweet spot was 0.5-1oz). Milk production is all about supply and demand, so if you empty your breasts, you’ll signal to your body to make more milk. I also encourage you to pump during the day as needed.
How to Day-Wean
Day-weaning is a much more delicate process than night-weaning, so I don’t recommend using a cold-turkey approach. Sudden weaning is a monumental loss for children—one that can make them feel incredibly flooded with desperate need that they submerge those cravings deep within their psyches.
If you’re considering weaning because your boob-obsessed toddler is driving you crazy too, you might want to try reducing the number of feeds before you throw in the towel completely.
Personally, I found instant relief when I cut down to four feeds a day. You’ll soon learn that I wanted to extend my breastfeeding journey, but Dakota had her own agenda.
You might be wondering if you’ll confuse your child by saying “no” to boobies sometimes and “yes” other times. The key is to clearly discern and separate the differences between when they want to nurse out of hunger, comfort, or out of habit. So, take this opportunity to hone into your motherly intuition (sister, it will never fail you).
If you decide you want to stop breastfeeding altogether, please be aware your child might exhibit signs if weaning is going too fast for them, including:
a new or increased fear of separation
increased crying, whining, clinginess, or tantrums
sudden increase in night waking
biting when it has never occurred
a new or increased attachment to a stuffed animal, toy, or blanket
new thumb or pacifier-sucking
stomachache, constipation, vomiting, or refusal to eat
new or increased withdrawal and aloofness
Dr. William Sears says, “A child who is weaned before his time may show anger, aggression, habitual tantrum-like behavior, anxious attachment to caregivers, and an inability to form deep and intimate relationships.”
Just like walking and talking, weaning readiness is a milestone that children reach at different times. If your child is struggling with weaning, then you might want to press pause and try again in a few months. The entire process will be much easier if your child is developmentally-equipped to be weaned.
My Experience
I stopped feeding on-demand and immediately cut Dakota down to four feeds a day—upon waking, naptime, waking up from a nap, and before bed.
If she asked for my boob outside of those times, I’d tell her “there’s no more milk” or “all gone!” She was confused the first couple of times I said this, but after a day, she understood the situation and stopped asking for milk altogether.
I was the one who initiated our nursing sessions by asking her if she wanted milk. Of course, she would always say “yes” with excitement. This made things so easy for the both of us!
Also, getting her to bed was no longer a power struggle. If I told her it was bedtime, she’d run straight to our room because she knew she’d get milk.
I methodically started the weaning process about a week before traveling to Europe. We spent three glorious weeks exploring quaint cobblestone streets and gallivanting across the Mediterranean Sea, so transitioning from four feeds to two feeds a day was quite smooth.
Reducing the number of feedings transformed our nursing relationship a thousandfold. At this point, I found myself wanting to cling onto these precious moments for as long as I could. I was utterly confident about prolonging my breastfeeding journey for another six months, but things ended abruptly.
One night while we were in France, Dakota fell asleep during our nightly walk. Obviously, there was no need to nurse her, so I successfully transferred her to bed without waking her up.
The next morning, I didn’t offer her any milk when she woke up. Looking back, I’m not sure why I did this. I guess I wanted to see how she would react—she didn’t seem to notice at all! Instead, she gladly accepted a generous bowl of oatmeal slathered in juicy berries and almond butter for breakfast.
Later that night, she fell asleep on her own again—that’s when it dawned on me that we were done, forever. I felt unquestionably robbed from the opportunity to experience the last chapter of our breastfeeding journey on an intimate level. As it turned out, Dakota was ready to flip the page on her own accord.
Overall, weaning Dakota took about a month—it was much faster than I had anticipated, but I respected her needs throughout the entire process. If you’re ready to write an ending to your own story, take a glimpse at these additional tips:
Drop one feed at a time. Start with the feed that’s easiest to lose. For me, it was upon waking from a nap, naptime, waking up in the morning, then bedtime.
Offer other ways of comfort. If your child screams for your boobs (even though they just had milk thirty minutes ago), then they’re mostly likely craving connection time. If you know they aren’t hungry, there are other ways you can cultivate the comfort they need. You can try to play games, build a fort, go for a walk, read books, give abundant hugs and kisses, or just be silly together!
Stop nursing after injuries. Crying is a natural mechanism that helps children heal from stress and trauma. Teach them not to hide their basic nature. Dare them to live an authentic life, one that focuses on expressing who they are and how they feel. Let them experience the pain in its wholeness and allow them to release their feelings through tears. This is a good opportunity to use the crying-in-arms approach that I previously mentioned in the night weaning tips.
Avoid using snacks as a distraction. Food should only be offered if you think your child is hungry. Otherwise, they’re learning to use food to self-regulate their emotions. Instead, try to figure out why they’re asking for boobs. Children are often full of emotions that they aren’t allowed (or helped) to deal with them in a productive way. Is your child feeling bored, tired, disconnected, or scared? Respond accordingly.
Use cabbage leaves for inflammation. Cabbage has been shown to reduce inflammation and pain associated with engorged breasts. To do this, thoroughly wash cabbage leaves prior to use. Put one cabbage leaf on each breast inside your bra for 20 minutes (no more than three times a day).
Drink “No Flow” Tea. This is a unique loose-leaf tea with a powerful combination of hibiscus, peppermint, parsley, sage, and licorice—all of which have been linked to reducing milk production. I recommend drinking this only if you’re ready to finalize weaning (don’t consume this if you’re simply cutting down on the number of feeds).
I truly hope you found these gathered bits of knowledge helpful for navigating the delicate waves of weaning. If you have any questions, please leave a comment below or DM me on Instagram @steffykieu.
Now, before I leave you, let me touch on one last thing: it’s time to say goodbye to the mom guilt that resonates in your soul (you know exactly what I’m talking about).
It’s as if there’s this universal maternal aspect encoded in all mothers’ DNA that drives us to put our children’s needs before our own. We place a hopeless amount of pressure upon ourselves to be the “best mom,” but our children just want us to be the “happiest mom”—and newsflash, sister, you’re already the “best mom.”
If you want to continue breastfeeding, I’m rooting for you all the way. If you want to stop, I’m cheering you on from the top of the bleachers, mama. Whatever your decision is, may this serve as a catalyst and permission for you to do so without judgment.