I’ve Been Hiding Something

I’m sincerely plagued by anxiety and vulnerability as I muster up the courage to divulge what I’ve been dealing with for much too long now.

If you’ve been following me, perhaps you’ve sensed turbulence and sensitivities from the fragments of vague information I’ve sprinkled in the air in the recent months. At the very least, you’ve noticed some level of dissonance on social media.

Would it be accurate to say that my sporadic activity has left you feeling completely in the loop one minute, and equally ghosted in the next? For this, I am truly sorry. 

The truth is, I’ve been desperately trying to stay grounded (a rather challenging task when my world has been rapidly spinning, altering gravity along with it). I’ve been breathing through the impulses to collapse into myself every night. And I’ve been trying to contain an inevitable explosion, which has left me entirely exhausted of my remaining fuel. 

The Big Bang

I’ve been sitting, waiting, and listening to the Universe for the right answers. The right words. The right way to tell you that…Chris and I are separating. In this moment, I can only speculate that you’re forming thoughts along the lines of, “What happened? Are you okay? What now?”

Before I plunge into answering those questions, please hear me loud and clear when I say that I love Chris. Even with everything that’s happened, I fully and deeply appreciate the love we’ve shared. He is my best friend and the father of my child – nothing can change that. 

I don’t believe we failed at our marriage. Love never fails—especially if you’ve been gifted with the brightest little starseed who fills you up with pure magic. 

My only hope is that we can all (you included) move forward with humility, respect, and compassion for each other. So, please please be kind as Chris and I embark on a new path of growth and evolution.

What Happened?

I’m still in the midst of finding the proper explanation. Dissecting apart every conversation and memory. Trying to unearth the root catalyst that propelled our flames to burn out.

There are a lot of things continuing to unravel, but what I do know is this: sometimes you face betrayal and you know things can never go back to the way they were. 

Perhaps the most painful thing is admitting that you can forgive someone and love them, yet at the same time, you know that you have to leave them. That the person you loved for so long isn’t who you thought they were. That you can know so little about someone who you’ve shared intricate intimacies with for years. That your energies no longer vibrate on the same frequency. That you intuitively feel it’s time to let go and cut loose of what no longer serves you.

Are You Okay?

Divorce is a death—the only difference is there isn’t a grave to visit in the aftermath. But with any death, you navigate yourself through the five stages of grief. Over time, you conquer denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually, you reach a soothing state of acceptance.

For me, I’m swimming in between pools of depression and acceptance. Some days, I feel as if I’m suffocating under the pressure of devastated dreams in my lungs. Other days, I find myself wholly aligned with the deeper current of sacred becoming in my life.

As much as I don’t want this to be real, it is very much real. And that’s exactly why I’m writing this—because I know there will be no turning back after I publish these words.

You see, I can’t allow myself to turn back. I need to do this. To be vulnerable as ever. To heal my wounds. To be courageous. To live my Truth and own my authentic Self, so that others may be brave enough to do the same. 

What Now?

This shattering experience has left my psyche feeling a bit chaotic, anxious, and fragmented, yet equal parts empowered, connected, and guided.

For now, I’m continuing to see my therapist to dislodge myself from the places I’ve been stuck. I’m welcoming exciting writing and design opportunities, so that I can still work from home and be a stay-at-home mom. I’m setting fresh intentions, bigger goals, and wild visions. Most importantly, I’m trusting that the Universe is rearranging the energies to bring my (new) dreams to me.

Relinquishing a long cherished dream is never an easy feat, but the beauty of being human is our immense adaptability. So, what do you do in the wake of this kind of unforeseen trauma?

You release all blame from yourself and from your soon-to-be-ex-life-partner. You surrender your grief to the past to free your innate power. You allow yourself to feel all that arises. You flow towards change even when you’re scared deep down to the marrow of your bones. You cultivate space for radical transformation to take place.

You fill the dark shadows in your heart with brilliance. You find your way back to the light. You open yourself to all of the infinite possibilities that exist. You understand that you are enough. You continue to pour love without reserve. You breathe. You ground. You heal.