When the Mom Guilt Becomes Too Much
“Mom-guilt” is pervasive among mothers, but this type of emotional distress is peaking throughout the age of “Pinterest parenting” and even more during the coronavirus pandemic.
You can find plenty of self-help articles that tell you how to stop feeling guilty. Although the writers are well-intentioned, I must tell you that removing guilt out of the equation is completely unrealistic.
The goal shouldn’t be to stop feeling guilty altogether. Rather, it should be to learn how to sit with and explore your emotions when they arise.
You must allow the feeling to coexist with you long enough to be honest about what you reject or deny. Only then can you disarm your ego and reveal your heart’s deepest truth, and thereby, allowing its energy to surface, cleanse, heal, and empower. The inward presence of acknowledgment and vulnerability is the key to transforming feelings of guilt, shame, and insecurity to feelings of compassion, forgiveness, and fullness.
Something other moms tell me (more often than I’d like) is that seeing the way I raise Dakota makes them feel terrible and unworthy. Despite the frequent times I vocalize my mistakes and struggles, some people still have this (false) belief that I’m a perfect mom.
It saddens me to know that this is a living truth for some of you because it’s not my intention to make you feel inferior or insecure. I share my motherhood journey to support you, inspire you, and to open up honest conversations about alternative and holistic child-rearing styles.
Sometimes, our guilt and fear of judgment can stem from us judging other moms. Sure, we all know that every family is different, yet judgment is reflexive in human nature. Does this mean that we’re incapable of extending empathy to others? The answer is a resounding no.
When I see a mother making a decision different than my own, I try to remind myself that she probably has a good reason for doing what she’s doing.
Let’s be clear: just because I homeschool (voluntarily) doesn’t mean I think less of someone who puts their kids in public school. Maybe she’s a working mom and doesn’t have the opportunity to stay at home or maybe she prioritizes her mental health.
Just because I’m a breastfeeding advocate doesn’t mean I’m against formula. Maybe a mother can’t produce enough milk or maybe it just isn’t for her.
Just because I make healthy meals and snacks for Dakota doesn’t mean I cringe at a mom for giving her kids cereal for dinner. Maybe she had a long day and cereal is the only thing that will give her fifteen minutes of reprieve.
By shifting our perspective, we can curate a new narrative and dismantle ego-driven expectations that no longer serve us.
And for the record, there are days where I plan a whole list of engaging activities for Dakota and days where I let her exceed past her allotted screen time just so I can get some work done.
Days where she eats all of her veggies and days where I order Chipotle and let her eat an entire bag of chips for dinner.
Days where I feel like supermom and days where I feel like I’m being stretched in a million directions and all I want to do is lock myself in the pantry so I can eat some damn Newman O’s in peace.
I have my good days and I have my bad days, just like you and every other mother.
Whichever way you and I choose to raise our families is okay and enough (as long as there’s no abuse involved). Motherhood is already hard as it is without the pressures we put on ourselves. Let’s approach it with soulful honesty, delicate grace, beautiful grit, and authentic humility. Together.
